Full dish: OCD and Covid-19

Content Warnings: Open talk of mental illness and related OCD compulsions and nongraphic self harm. As we move into hunkering down even more here on the East Coast, hopefully everyone is preparing for keeping up good hygiene and self isolations. I wanted to touch on something that is rather personal. I've been diagnosed with OCD [Over Compulsive Disorder] for a while now, it's heavily a part of my brain and my daily routines. I often find myself awake at odd hours, fighting the compulsion and anxious thoughts. Since Covid-19 (known alternately as the Corona Virus) has started spreading rapidly, effecting our daily lives and grinding things to a halt. I've noticed that it has effected my OCD. While everyone's OCD will effect them and show symptoms differently, (do not use my example as a broad example of Over Compulsive Disorder) I am wary of illness and particularly germs and things my brain may deem as "icky" and not cleanly. I often find myself disinfecting the same sink over and over until it feels, "clean" enough.

I've been following CDC (Center for Disease Control) guidelines for cleaning for viruses for a while now. Especially after falling quite ill this past fall. (November 2019) I have been working, sometimes harder than others, to curb some of the obsessive cleaning behaviors that have impacted my life, both emotionally and physically. And what feels, emotionally, very sudden, Covid-19 has hit. And if anything, my OCD has prepared me quite well for keeping intense hygiene and sanitation. But I worry personally about the effect its having mental illness wise. Am I being pushed backwards in my progress, is this cementing in my brain that I've been right this whole time and that in trying to stifle my anxieties about cleanliness, I am opening myself up for harm. I worry about falling back into practices that are detrimental to my own health. To give an example, I have kept a pumice stone in my shower. It has been months since I last used it, but one of the compulsive things I would do is to scrub at my skin. I never felt like anything else exfoliated or cleaned my body as much as it does. I do consider this a self harming behavior based in my deep anxiety and OCD. It has taken me a long time to stop myself from cleaning too hard, and while I haven't been fully ready to get rid of the stone, it has moved itself to the back of my cleansers space in the shower. But the first night I had a huge panic attack about Covid-19, about mourning, and anxiety around racism and ableism, I compulsively brought out the pumice stone again. I am not looking for advice in this moment, and I know there are many things pulling emotions from us all. I am in the works with my psychiatrist on making a new plan, that allows for holding space for my OCD and curbing some reemerging behaviors. I wanted to talk openly, give some insight into the mental health situation right now with my own personal story. Reach out to those you care about, connect from a distance, send help where you can. And really be looking towards Disabled, Mentally ill, POC voices in this time. I wish I had a better conclusion to give you, but there will be lasting damages done in so many ways when things settle from Covid-19, especially if we do not keep up with Social distancing, isolation physically, and quarentine procedures. Stay safe all, for yourself and everyone else.