Full Dish: on Hongkong, far away anxiety, and missing cultural connections

Hi, this article is somewhat no longer relevant. Not that the protests in Hong Kong are not relevant, but a lot has happened since I started writing this post. The protests are still actively happening, support the people of Hong Kong.

On my end deadlines and self imposed dates get pushed back a lot when you're disabled, I definitely still want to talk on the topic, since it's not the first instance of feeling dissonance with a culture I feel expected to know, and it wont be the last, but please read along knowing I have written parts of this much closer to when the large protests were first being reported.

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I have recently spent an amount of time in an evening to early morning having a rolling panic attack after reading about and watching videos on what is happening in Hong Kong.

For those who have not heard, unbelievably huge protests are happening in Hong Kong. As far as i understand these protests are following the murder of a woman by her husband in Taiwan. Because of how the legalities work the husband could not be tried in Taiwan. A new bill was proposed to allow suspects to be tried in Taiwan, and subsequently China.

Now, I do not fully understand all the legal aspects, and am not trying to go too deeply into how that system works today. But for a good break down of the situation in general, Vox has this video .

Whats going on is on my mind for this particular event (though this word feels too small to encompass what is happening) is about the same as how I think through many of the historical events, political, environmental, etc. Trying to be up to date with all the happenings in the world, support those who are oppressed, go to protests myself while also keeping myself healthy and happy. It gives you whiplash trying to keep up, especially when you can't keep up with it all and hold onto anxiety about not knowing whats happening.

Hearing about Hong Kong, and the situation there and in the bordering towns in China, really puts a feeling in me about being so far away from whats happening in a culture I feel i should know, and what I think people expect me to know. I can only see this, and many other events, through the western lens.

Having been adopted at a very early age, to a white american family, there comes this sort of life long mourning process you can go through. At the least, I don't think I've come to a conclusive end to my emotions about it. You will never connect the same way as a child who grew up where you were born, it's just different. For myself, it has been particularly difficult because I don't pick up languages well and have limited memory.

Growing up I was put into "Chinese School" which was a program where we were supposed to be learning how to speak and read Chinese as well as learn about the culture on the weekends. I don't remember how long I was a part of it, I don't remember much of what we learned. I do remember being miserable. I have the overwhelming feeling of being stressed about not being able to learn what I was supposed to. In the end I think i begged my mother to let me quit. Do I wish I had kept up with it, a little bit, especially later in life when I met white people who were learning Chinese and often tried to show off about their knowledge of China to me.

I have felt consistently inadequate in my own knowledge of where I was born. Seeing huge protests and only knowing whats going on based in western media coverage and lens is stressful. In many ways I feel i should be over there, taking a stand against oppressive government, making connection back to where I'm from.

I wish I could connect and know what's going on in a deeper level, but I don't, I can't communicate or read or understand the cultural aspects of the things happening. I'm not there experiencing whats happening, and in some ways I'm overwhelmed with what is happening in the United States and can't hold the feelings for somewhere I don't live.

It's a weird sensation to feel both connected and disconnected at once to a place in this world. Having a sense of mourning for people you don't know, who have been wronged by the world and by other people. It is its own stress. Do I have an answer in connecting back to a culture you never really knew? Not particularly, I've been diving in with music and food and trying my best, but I still feel like an outsider, and I think I always will.

I am not prepared ever for the emotional strain of mourning in a culture I don't know. I don't know how the situation will be resolved, in my own personal scale, or the larger scale. I wish I had a better conclusion to these feelings, but there isn't one. But I hope for the people of Hong Kong, and I hope the feeling of mourning concludes. The future often feels bleak, but I can't stop hoping for the best.

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I will note, that this has been a very personal write up. I do not want to diminish what is happening in Hong Kong, please seek out sources on what is going on and send support.

Here are a couple sources to look into.

[link] [link] [link] [link]